Lately, friends and family are asking me how am I… And I always say ok. But I don’t know if it’s the real answer or the one I tell them not to worry about me.
I don’t think this is an easy situation for anyone, no matter how much you love the people you are sharing house or love to spend quality time with them, there are moments that I just want to be alone and listen to music or dance without stopping. I can’t say that I am not ok, I haven’t lost my job neither my husband, and we have a precious little 4 year old that has unlimited energy and keeps me busy all day. Maybe this is one of the things that keeps me struggling, my husband has meetings all day, so it’s me taking care of our son, his energy and his needs of questioning everything. But on the other side I don’t think I can’t complain either, we are happy, healthy and together.
So, why I am not really HAPPY? I am scared that I don’t know when I will be able to hug my family and friends, living far from family sometimes is good (at least for me) but in difficult times like now I really can’t wait to see them and feel that they are ok. One of my best friends has discovered that is pregnant during these days, I don’t know when I’ll be able to see her or to meet the little one. Will we be able to take a plane like always and spend Christmas with them? I don’t know… I think that’s what keeps me struggling, the DON’T KNOW, the questions without answer that keep popping in my mind but don’t have an answer and don’t know when I will have…
In addition, this is never a good period for me since in June is my birthday, and was my mom’s too. She passed away 4 years ago on the 28th of June… so now that I only think about family, my main memories are from my mother who is not here and I will never be able to hug her anymore.
Saying that I am not ok will be a lie, there are people that had lost loved ones with the virus or are cocooned at home because they are high risk. That’s why I can’t say that I am not feeling ok, this would be a lie. Everything is more or less normal in my life, even if I don’t always feel happy, laughing or with energy.
So, the question remains the same and sadly the answer too, am I struggling? I really don’t know…